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Hindsight. Amen.

My sleeping habits of late are the worst. I wake up at four AM to use the bathroom, and then I'm fucked. I'm up. I lie there, eyes closed, brain running a mile a minute with writing ideas and to-dos that span weeks. I always think that I should write them down, which rarely I do, and then run over them a million times just to be safe. When I finally fall back asleep after a couple hours I wake up relatively early still and can't remember a thing. Cool.

This morning was exactly like that.

When I got my ass out of bed at eight I decided I absolutely needed to purge my computer of old documents and downloads. (I've purged my entire apartment one hundred times over these last few months so my digital life gets put into that rotation from time to time as well.) I spent hours perusing essays from my college days. I was actually surprised with my younger self. Usually upon re-reading my work I get embarrassed at how unnecessarily verbose I can be. EDIT, GURL. But today I found knowledge I once knew and have since most certainly forgotten. (Pause. Smiley face.) There was a time when I was even more confident (if you can believe that) and expressed myself with certainty. It's a wonderful thing to look back and say, "Hell yeah, boo. You put yourself out there exactly like that and don't pay attention to how the world will continually shut you down,"; to look back at a time when my papers were extremely feminist before I even knew how horrible the reality in which I existed actually was. I always fiercely fought for gender equality but didn't truly realize that it was as much MY fight as it was my fight for others. It took years to slowly realize the subtleties of the patriarchy around me. I knew things were askew, but oh how fucking askew.

I found transcripts of old facebook instant messages and text conversations from my first phone. I couldn't bring myself to delete those because HOLY CRAP DID THEY OFFER ME AN INSIGHT INTO MY DATING HISTORY. Cripes. One ex that messed me up almost irreparably for many years was one of the kindest and most emotionally giving men I've dated since I've been in Los Angeles, it turns out. Who knew?? I had forgotten how freely kind he was with his words. How he doted on me. How he loved me. THAT's why it was so devastating when it all turned! Fucking light bulb moment. For so many years now I have had the worst taste in my mouth regarding that period of my life, when looking back now I see that those that have come after haven't been better. They haven't even come close to offering me that kind of emotional vulnerability. FUCK. This is something about which I have been completely clueless. Until now. I feel better and more clear about all of "that" now than ever.

Whew. Invaluable stuff, these un-purgeable documents.

It's nearing midnight now, and if I'm going to attempt to break the cycle and count them sheep, I'd best be off. Just a little post to pass the time, purge my brain and make myself sleepy. Night night, you gorgeous humans, you.

My perfectly idiotic, college-aged self acting a fool.

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