Dos and Don'ts

I found myself lying awake past midnight last night descending into a rabbit hole of sadness and sobbing. Don't worry--this isn't a depressing post about my feelings. I decided to compile a list of dos and don'ts to apply to your daily life during this COVID-19 mess. Learn from my mistakes and get a leg up on finding some happiness.

1. DON'T troll your ex's Instagram. Don't! I may or may not have slipped into the trap myself and mayyybe started to get super depressed about how my life has barely moved forward and I'm glad I'm not with them anymore but why did I let them treat me the way they did and I hope they are a little (lot) lonely and regretting their life's choices. Ahem. Anyway, DO stalk your favorite harmless celebrity crushes like the ever-precious Tom Holland or the completely charming Taika Waititi. (Apparently the Marvel Universe is a good place to start--Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo...) That's just me. But have fun daydreaming about cute boys and girls. Now is the best time to feel guilt-free about spending hours (yes) deep-diving into hotness.

2. DON'T make the roasted potatoes at 9pm after eating a dinner of Little Caesar's pizza and breadsticks at 6. Guys, my eating habits have been off-the-charts bad. I know reaching for comfort foods feels right, and it basically is, let's face it...BUT chomping everything in sight like Pac-Man on a rampage isn't the best idea. You'll have the shits every day all day. You'll gain 15 lbs (it fluctuates after those shits at least). You'll be so lethargic that putting on clothes in the morning is stupid. So stupid. Let's say the DO here is eating tasty things but perhaps limiting the treats to every other day. Can we do that? I don't know. The trying is what matters. And knowing that we're probably all being garbage trolls with the snack consumption.

3. DON'T attempt to find love on Tinder/OKCupid. I know this might be a good idea for some of you, but I've started swiping left at such a constant pace that my eyes glaze over and I think I may be falling asleep. The pictures of men (and probably women, I always wonder what women's photos look like) wearing face masks are not cute/clever. If you are finding love, good on you, you bastards. But if you're like me, and it's all become the most tedious of tasks, DO masturbate a lot. Enough said.

4. DON'T spend every waking moment with your roommate. You'll honestly kill each other (at least think about it) before the quarantine is over. All of the quirks will become horrid annoyances that grate at your brain. And you will most certainly be the most irritating human on the planet. DO find time to yourself, even if that means hunkering down in your room. Read, paint, do a crossword. Find quiet time. Definitely spend time with each other too--just know your limits.

5. DON'T go days without showering. And skip brushing your teeth. I mean, I would never do these things...never. I am the epitome of self-care. *Brushes the greasy hair out of her zit-laden face. Okay, it's so tempting to be as lazy as possible to the point of near bio-hazard, but it will only make you feel worse. DO shower or bathe once a day. Even if you just put on your pajamas again right away at least you don't smell and look like the crypt keeper.

So maybe nothing makes sense right now and the world in which we live has gotten infinitely scarier. Still, we must find humor and a few good habits to get us through, no? Now go brush your teeth.