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Check-In #8: On Track

It's been a couple weeks since I've checked in. I haven't had the itch to sit down and write, which happens sometimes. I've been trying to give myself grace and not guilt myself into doing anything that doesn't feel organic. And I felt like I had been saying a lot of the same things. We'll see how it goes today.

I have realized that I have been noticing the little things and taking more time out to be in the moment, to be spontaneous. Goose and I went on a walk a couple Saturdays ago and stumbled across two yard sales. I was beyond excited. They remind me of growing up in North Dakota and hitting up the rummage sales every weekend all summer. So much fun. I get a high scoring a deal on something special you wouldn't find anywhere else. Yard sales are rare in LA, so to find TWO in one block was exceptional. We made some purchases on the spot (even snagged something special for my grandma who turns 90 in July!). I was so happy, and that little thing made my day.

Since I've only been working part-time I've started taking Goose to work and picking him up afterwards. He Ubers otherwise, and that's been costing him a fortune now with his new job. SO, in an effort to save money I've been hauling my ass out to and from Silverlake. This is something that would normally send me up in a tizzy. I hate driving around LA, especially if I have to sit in traffic on a freeway. And when I could be staying in the comfort of my home in my pajamas? Come on. But, I have considered that gas costs significantly less than Ubering all over the city every day, and we could use that money elsewhere. And boy is that true. I'm taking one for the team. One day I even put makeup on and got dressed to go INTO the store to see him/it. Who am I?

I had a Zoom session with a Medium. It was interesting! They knew some things that were very personal right off the bat which was super cool. The Universe sends us what we need when we need it, yeah? That's what I'm trying to believe. With this positivity journey I'm trying to be open to the magic of the Universe and listen to what it's telling me. I feel like I'm trying to find some kind of higher power to believe in to comfort me like so much of the human race has every day. I don't believe in God, and I have no religion, but maybe I can find more spirituality to guide me. That feels like a path to positivity.

My therapist said something scary to me in our last session. She brought up the word "graduation". She asked me what it would take for me to feel ready to move on from therapy. She said if graduation was too scary a word, we could just say "pause" for a while. I'm to think about my answer and let her know in our next session. She seems to feel like I have a handle on things in my life, and she wants me to try to do it on my own. She thinks I have the right tools and tactics to tackle my stresses and anxieties. To be honest I always thought I would be the "therapy-for-life" kind of girl. I enjoy having that outlet. Someone to talk to that can soothe me and bring me back with a fresh perspective. I truly believe everyone should go to therapy, so why would I want to stop? But I think I understand what she's saying. Take off the training wheels and be brave for a while. I might be down for a "pause".

I got to a point where I decided I needed to really take care of my physical health too. I found out at the beginning of the year that I am (barely) prediabetic (which still counts, I know) and have higher triglycerides. When I found out I started immediately eating more vegetables and cutting out a lot of the sugar I had been consuming. Months into it I knew it wasn't enough. I had to lose weight too. Two weeks ago I started on a weight-loss/health journey and have been doing well with it. I've lost 4 pounds and more importantly feel like I'm making better food choices. For snacks I pretty much just eat fruits and veggies. I've cut out the processed foods that I used to inhale. The big thing for me was cutting out the sugary drinks I love. For now, I have to make these changes for my health. Down the line I can start to pepper my favorite crappy foods back in because of course I should be able to eat the good stuff, right? For me it's just about developing better habits to sustain a healthy lifestyle into my forties and beyond. Once I lose some weight I'll just want to maintain and keep eating better for the most part. I've been exercising every day too which has been a big win. I usually lack the motivation, but when I know it allows me to eat more of the food that I want, I'm DOWN. It becomes a reward worth striving for. (Give me a reward any day, and I become "down". Just ask all of my food and shop apps...)

I think the common thread in all of this is that underneath it all I HAVE become more positive. I believe in myself enough to be open and to think that I can change my life for the better. I've been more available to other people, giving of myself and less selfish. It's not that I haven't had moments where I struggle because I definitely have. There have been a time or two where I revert back to that, "what?! why is it always me?!" thinking. It's hard not to go there sometimes. But today I chose to highlight and write about the positives instead of those fewer times. It just came out that way. And I think that's a positive.


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