Photo by Vladislav Muslakov
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been here many many times before. In fact, it seems like I’ve been living with some form of heartbreak or another for the last decade. Now don’t you for a minute feel sorry for me! This post isn’t about sadness or depression or anger (although those things have a place in the experience, to be sure). This post is about opportunity. About growth. About strength.
You guys, it’s so easy to feel like a pile of crap after being dumped. You literally just sit there and steam and fester (especially if you don’t shower for a few days). It’s so easy to feel worthless and unlovable and troll-like in appearance: “If I were sexy and beautiful instead of ‘cute’ and ‘nice’ maybe men would find me exciting.” BULLSHIT! STOP RIGHT THERE WITH THAT SELF PITY. Yes, I must admit that it’s convenient and dare I say rational to feel like, wow, the common denominator in all of my relationships is me...so what is my problem?? Why aren’t I special enough? Why does everyone leave? It’s funny because I often think that a major problem in the world is a lack of responsibility--just own up to our role in our lives, our mistakes, our unhappiness--quit blaming everyone and everything else for our problems--but it’s kinda shitty that we somehow always blame ourselves for our heartbreak. Harshly even. I was lying in bed last night with a smile on my face (which was a lovely change of pace from the sobbing-myself-to-sleep sitch I had been working with) because I was excited. I am here to tell you after all these breakups, although it doesn’t get easier, it gets easier. Or maybe honestly it’s me getting better with age. Let me throw down the reasons why a breakup can kick ass.
1. Me time, baby!
Okay, now that you find yourself suddenly alone again, you’re alone! Alone is great. Think about it. Go eat an enchilada in bed while you watch Seinfeld. (It’s just a suggestion...) Sleep in. Get up early. Do whatever you want. You don’t have to factor in a significant other! It’s not about missing what you had, it’s about realizing what you’ve gained and seeing it as a positive. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda my favorite company. I can sit in a t-shirt and underwear with unshaven legs eating Wild Berry Skittles out of a family-size bag and not give a shit. Not one shit. I can go out with friends and volunteer and do exactly what I want with one less thing (person) to worry about.
2. Save money!
Dating is expensive. I don’t think you can help that. It’s great to go out and get nice dinners (or even crappy fast food dinners) and see shows and meet people for drinks etc. etc. etc. That. Shit. Adds. Up. I’m alllllll about having experiences, but it’s quite nice to take a break and experience something called being at home and making food for one. Before I started dating six months ago I was on a self-imposed saving mission (Refer to my many previous posts! Do it!) and killed it. Not so much after meeting a man. But guess what?! I’m back on my plan. Sickkkkkkkkkk.
4. Kick off some self-discovery!
There is no way as a living, breathing human after a breakup that you won’t do some analyzing. Okay, probably over-analyzing. Take this time to find out more about yourself. Figure out whatever it is that you need to work on, and go there. And go someplace fun with it. Paint that piece of furniture you’ve been putting off. Sew the pillow you’ve let the stuffing ooze out of until your cats start to play with it. Exercise. Cook. Do face masks. Take baths. Find out what you really like. Often in relationships we worry about how the other person feels about us, but what about how we feel? Connect with that shit again. Go outside. Find what makes you happy again little by little.
3. You loved! WooHoo!
Seriously. This is so amazing. I know losing is absolutely terrible. And the pain you feel saying goodbye is amplified because you loved. YOU LOVED. Even when it’s not reciprocated, honestly it’s the most beautiful thing to realize that YOU put yourself out there. YOU gave everything you had. YOU bared yourself AND THAT IS HUGE. It is something so brave to love. Not everyone does it. You need to be proud that your heart was open. It may feel closed again, but don’t let it stay that way. It is an immense showing of strength to love and love and love again. Someone down the line will deserve what you have to give. It’s fucking incredible. You are incredible.
5. Your person is still out there!
Guys, if you thought you had found your person and it turned out not at all the way you’d hoped, it just means that he/she is still out there. The next person you meet could be it!! You can go dancing or bowling or even to the grocery store and meet that person. Brad Pitt could be that person....he’s single now. Coincidence? Maybe not. There are so many people out there, and there are good ones. Sometimes it takes time. Just because so many of your classmates and friends are married and in relationships doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It might mean that you’re extra fucking special, and it takes time to find someone that extra fucking special too.