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To M. N.

Valley Village


Dear M,

On my run today I saw a little girl with wild curly blonde hair. She was wearing a blue and black striped shirt and a blue tutu, running like crazy through the grass. I couldn't help but smile. It's moments like this that make me ache the tiniest bit for kids. It's funny though because I don't want kids just because I want kids. I want a family. I only want children if I have a partner about whom I'm mad. I want kids to be the result of a deep love. To have the ultimate adventure with someone. I'm not sure if that's allowed these days. You know how it is. I look somehow dependent on an old-fashioned ideal if I wait for a man to have kids. I'm not waiting though. I want the man first. If kids come, then they come. I'm a tad worried that my clock is ticking mighty fast, especially since my best friend just had the talk with her doctor about how she's 35 and how she really has to be weighing her options. Yikes. It's that time for us I guess. It's another bullshit rap we get as women.

In related news, I'm writing to you because I had a telling dream about you last night. We haven't spoken in years, and somehow my subconscious manages to sneak you into my unconscious moments. The dream felt like love. It reminded me what it feels like to be cared for, to be desired. You were tender and kind and attentive and so fucking funny. I miss you. Maybe I miss the idea of you, I don't know. I know what we had was never really palpable, and I suppose that's why my brain (and heart) clings to it like an unresolved dream. And why you're in my dreams after all these years. I woke up feeling that, for the first time in a very long time, I would like to start dating again. At least have my eyes open for new opportunities. I have been happily and purposefully single for so long, but now I feel a shift. Like the change in seasons has brought with it a change in my outlook. As with everything in my life I feel I am destined for something extraordinary. I only hope that with the finite time I have left I find that something(one) sooner than later. God it would be nice to be held again. It's been over 10 years since I've had magic. Magic that wasn't entangled in some type of drama or mismatched understandings. I'm excited to feel butterflies again. Truly I am. Can you tell me a way to find them without doing so online? Ugh. That's my biggest hurdle. I hate it so so so much. Get back to me on that. And if you know anyone special, you know the drill.



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